Marriage changes passion. suddenly you're in bed with
a relative.
I live in my own little world. But it's OK...they
know me here.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on
it. I said, "Implants?"
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery
easier to live with.
I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer
or a moaner.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport
the terminal?
I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too
many of them get elected.
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has
absolutely no trade-in value.
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and the
witch.
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals
you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of
hand grenades... now THAT'S a message!!
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the
bowling alley.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am
perfect.
I married my wife for her looks ... but not the ones
she's been giving me lately!
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of
consecutive days I've stayed alive.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see
so many dead rabbits on the highway?
How come we choose from just two people to run for
president and 50 for Miss America?
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want
to see naked?
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's
wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
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