John and David were both patients in
a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the
hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He
sank to the bottom and stayed there. David promptly jumped in and
saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out.
The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He
immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he
now considered him to be OK. The doctor said, "David, we have good
news and bad news for you! The good news is that we are going to
discharge you because you have regained your sanity. Since you were
able to jump in and save another patient, you must be mentally
stable. The bad news is that the patient that you saved hung himself
in the bathroom and died after all." David replied, "Doctor, John
didn't hang himself. I hung him there to dry."
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An airplane was about to crash, and
there were 5 passengers left, but only 4 parachutes. The first
passenger, George W. Bush said, I am the President of the United
States, and I have a great responsibility, being the leader of
nearly 300 million people, and a superpower, etc., and I am also
the smartest president ever. So he takes the first parachute,
and jumps out of the plane. The second passenger said, I'm
Rasheed Wallace, one of the best basketball players in the NBA,
and the Portland Trailblazers need me, so I can't afford to die.
So he takes the second parachute, and leaves the plane. The
third passenger, Hillary Clinton, said; I am the wife of the
former President of the United States, I am New York's Senator,
and I am the smartest woman in the world. So she takes the third
parachute and exits the plane. The fourth passenger, an old man,
says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year old boy scout, I am old
and frail and I don't have many years left, so as a Christian
gesture and a good deed, I will sacrifice my life and let you
have the last parachute. The boy scout said, It's okay, there's
a parachute left for you. The world's smartest president took my
backpack.
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A guy was sitting quietly reading his
paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the
head with a frying pan. "What was that for?" he asked. "That was
for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name MaryLou
written on it," she replied. "Two weeks ago when I went to the
races, MaryLou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he
explained. "Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known
there was a good explanation." Three days later he was watching a
ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again,
this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When
he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?" She replied
"Your horse called." |
A dietitian was
once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put
into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting
here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach
lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be
disastrous, and none of us realizes the long term harm caused by
the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is
the most dangerous of all and
we all have, or
will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes
the
most grief and
suffering for years after eating it?" A 75-year-old man in the
front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake?"
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Lawyer & A Divorce: A guy is talking to
his lawyer one day about his upcoming anniversary. He just doesn't
have any idea what to give his wife. "How about a divorce?" the
lawyer suggests. "No, I didn't want to spend that much," the man
replied.
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The Governor Dies: Lawyer
Rejoices, An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight,
insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency.
An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor. "So, what is it?"
grumbled the governor. "Judge Garber has just died" said the
attorney, "and I want to take his place." Replied the governor
"Well, its OK with me if its OK with the undertaker." |
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The Job Interview Reaching the end of a
job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who
was fresh out of MIT, "What starting salary were you thinking
about?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year,
depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well,
what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid
holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund
to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years--say, a red
Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you
kidding?" The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
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A kindergarten pupil told his teacher
he'd found a cat, but it was dead." How do you know that the cat was
dead?" she asked her pupil. Because I pissed in its ear and it
didn't move," answered the child innocently. You did WHAT ? ! ?" the
teacher exclaimed in surprise. You know," explained the boy, "I
leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move." |
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A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two
plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of
a bitch is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped,
"What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my
math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do
it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother
asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in
math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two,
that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing,
she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF
WHICH, is four." |
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One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken
Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky
is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do
you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and
said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'" The teacher
was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes. |
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A certain little girl, when asked her
name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." >Her mother told
her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar
spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother
says I'm not." |
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A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go
outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't
play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought
about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one,
can I play with him?" |
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A little girl goes to the
barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair,
while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake The barber says
to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She
says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too." |
Marketing Strategy
I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of
weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably
in the > corner, enjoying a drink. I was meeting a very important
client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little
bit late. Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached
the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I
wonder if you >would do me a favor." "Yes?" "I'm sitting right over
there," pointing to my seat at the bar, and I'm waiting for a very
important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come
walk by and just say "Hi Tom ? " "Sure." I shook his hand and
thanked him and went back to my seat. About ten minutes later, my
client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business. A
couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill
Gates. "Hi, Tom," he said. I replied, "Shut up, Bill, I'm in a
meeting."
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