A man went to his doctor's
office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar
and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample
tomorrow." The next day, the guy reappears at the doctor's
office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty
as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and
the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I
tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with
my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left,
but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the
teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing.
Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried
with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing." The
doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?" The man
replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't
get the damn jar open!"
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One day a husband and wife were in the
bathroom, The wife was getting out of the shower and the husband
grabs her boobs and says "If these were firmer you wouldn't need a
bra." The wife was repulsed by his behavior and ignores him. The
next week the two are again in the bathroom and while the wife was
getting out of the shower he grabs her ass and says "If your ass
was firmer you wouldn't need a girdle." The wife is now pissed and
is plotting her revenge. One day a week later the husband is
getting out of the shower and the wife grabs his dick and says "If
this was a little bit bigger I wouldn't need your brother."
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An elderly woman went into the doctor's
office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd
like to have some birth-control pills." Taken back, the doctor
thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but
you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth
control pills?" The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do
birth control pills help you to sleep?" The woman said, "Simple, I
put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I
sleep better at night."
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One day there was a hunter in the woods. He'd been there all day and
couldn't find anything to hunt. So, in despair he started to leave
the woods. On his way out he saw a bear in the woods. He picked up
his gun and took a shot at the bear. He missed. The bear walked over
to him and said," You just tried to kill me." The hunter said," No I
didn't, I was just leaving the woods, It must have been someone
else." The bear replied, "No, I'm going to make you suck my dick."
So, the bear whips out his big fucking hairy bear dick and sticks it
in the hunter's mouth. The bear gets done with the hunter and sends
him on his way. The hunter is really pissed and decides to take
another shot. "Fucking bear", he says, "I'm going to kill you". He
takes his shot and missed a second time. The bear walks over and
says," You just tried to kill me again". The hunter says, "No it
wasn't me, I just picked my gun up and it went off on accident". The
bear says, "No, I'm going to fuck you in the ass." So, the bear
whips out his big fucking hairy bear dick and sticks it in the
hunter's ass. The bear gets done with the hunter and sends him on
his way. Now, the hunter is really pissed and says, "Fucking' bear
I'm going' to kill you." Picks up his gun and takes a third shot at
the bear and misses. The bear walks over to him again and says, "You
didn't come out here to hunt did you?"
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One day a guy came out of the
local bar, he was extremely drunk. He began to stumble his
way around the parking lot with his key in his hand. While
he is looking for his car he stumbles past a police
officer. The cop asks the guy if he needs any help. The
guy mumbles out "I've been robbed!" The cop replies "What
has been stolen?" "My car ,it's gone!" he says. The cop
asks "Where did you see it last?" "It was right here on
the end of my key!" he says. The cop then notices that the
guy has his dick hanging out of his pants and its swinging
around. The cop asks "Do you know your penis is exposed?"
The guy replies "OH SHIT, they stole my girlfriend too "
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Little Johnny returns from school and
says he got an F in arithmetic and a spanking. "Why?" asks the
father. "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'" "But
that's right!" "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'" "What's the
fucking difference?" asks the father. "That's what I said!
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Carlos calls his boss in the morning: "Ey,
boss I can't come to work today. I got a headache, a stomachache,
and my legs hurt, too. I'm a friggin' mess!" The boss says: "You
know Carlos, I really need you here today. When I feel like you
do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me a blowjob. That makes
me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that." Two
hours later Carlos calls: "Boss, I did what you said and I feel
great, I'll be at work soon. And by the way, you got a real nice
house!"
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A priest was returning to his church
from an outing on the bad side of town. Along the way he passed a
prostitute. "Hey Father, 25 bucks for a blowjob" she shouted. "I'm
sorry, I don't know what you're talking about" replied the father
as he hurried by. A short time later he passed another prostitute.
"25 bucks for a blowjob father" she yelled. "Leave me alone" he
replied "I don't know what you are talking about." When he finally
arrived at his church, he approached a nun and embarrassedly asked
her, "Sister, what's a blowjob?" She replied, "25 bucks, same as
on the street."
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The Madam opened the brothel door to
see a frail, elderly gentleman. "Can I help you?" the madam asked.
"I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our
most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see
Natalie." Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man
that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man
reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two
went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left. The
next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie
explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and
that there were no discounts...it was still $1,000 a visit. Again
the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and an
hour later, he left. When he showed up the third consecutive
night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money
and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie
questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three
nights in a row. Where are you from?" The old man replied, "I'm
from Philadelphia." "Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who
lives there." "Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died,
and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give $3,000 to
you."
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What is the difference between riding a bicycle and a woman?
A: Riding a bicycle you fix your ass & move your legs, riding a woman
you fix your legs & move your ass.
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Teacher: Use harassment in a sentence.
Johnnie: Her mouth said no
but her ass meant yes.
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Q: What makes a happy man?
A: Daughter is on the cover of Vogue, son
on the cover of Sports Illustrated, mistress on the cover of Playboy
and wife on the cover of Missing persons
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Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
A: Because they are
tired of using their own.
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Once at a fancy dress party, a woman appears nude, painted fully
white. A man asks, ""What are you?" She replies, "I'm the mint with a
hole!".
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Q: What's common between men and video?
A: Both go backward...forward... backward... forward... backward.... forward... stop and
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Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't
come means you are in big trouble
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The waitress walks up to one of her tables and is shocked to see
three Japanese men, all sat there masturbating violently. What the
hell do you think you're doing? she screams. One of the Japanese
guys looks up and says, Well, it says on the menu, First come, First
served!
(Dint somebody say "Englis is a veri punny langage.." was he a
Japanese >....)
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Q: What is the difference between panties of 70s and panties of 90s?
A: The panties of 70s had to be separated to see the bums, and
in 90s, the bums had to be separated to see the panties..
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A good discussion is like a miniskirt; Short enough to pertain
interest and long enough to cover the subject..
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